The past few weeks, or rather the last week and a half or so, have felt as though they stretched on for eternity and yet I'm constantly disrupted by the feeling that time is going by too quickly. I've felt like this before, but each time it happens, I find myself unable to cope any better than the time before. I'm exhausted and full of energy at the same time, unable to focus on what I need to do, but all too ready to focus on what I don't need to do. As a result, I'm beginning to feel the added stress of the possibility of not passing my courses and thus not graduating.
Ok so, here's what's happened. I realized that though I find psychology to be interesting, I'm not so sure I want to work in the field of psychology. Then I recalled how happy I was when I was involved in numerous plays, writing and performing music, taking pictures, designing websites and writing stories. That motivated me to get back into those things and now that I've started, I feel as though I've opened Pandora's box and out came this flood of emotion and enthusiasm and I can't shut it off.
So I started looking into creative fields to work in. Film companies, casting agencies, freelance web design. I created a ReverbNation account and started trying to network with musicians. I started creating a web design portfolio. I started recording some of the songs I'd written. I emailed casting agents asking if they needed assistants. I feel like I can actually do anything in terms of what options are available to me.
Back to reality though, I have a thesis to write, a 3000 word term paper to research for and write, a presentation to do, a poster to make and exams to take, in addition to the regular amount of reading left in the semester. Here's the thing: there literally is not enough time in the day to do it all. Further, I find that I'm incapable of focusing on reading. Or writing. Or researching.
Yes, I'm only 22 and I've likely got another 50 years left (assuming I die of natural causes...which is a big assumption). Maybe it's because I'm taking a Death and Dying course in which there is much discussion of untimely deaths, but I really do feel like there is not enough time in my life to do all the things I want to do; to be all the things I want to be; and to live the life I want to live. I want to pursue music. I want to pursue acting. I want to pursue directing. I want to write. I want to be a photographer. I want to sing. I want to dance. Practice and maybe even teach yoga. Read as many books as I can on as many topics as I can. Learn many languages. Travel across the world. There is so much I want to do and I worry that I've already wasted 4 precious years of my early life that could have been spent doing the things I love doing instead of being trapped in a lecture hall reading until I can't see straight, too exhausted to conceive of having fun.
With all these thoughts floating around in my head, how can I possibly do the work that needs to get done in order to complete my degree? There's only one month left, and then I'm free, but I just don't know if I can do it.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Losing My Mind
I was just writing a paper and referenced the term "losing my mind" and it got me thinking. Why do we say that we're "losing" our mind? Why not say we're "getting rid of" our minds? Or "throwing out" our minds?
The use of the word "losing" assumes that what is gone, "the mind", was precious or positive and that it being gone is a bad thing.
Ok, yes, losing your mind is a bad thing. But why do we treasure it so much? Personally, I hold my intellectual capacity very dear to my heart. I like to think that it, in part, defines me. Philosophers often say that it is our minds, our awareness that makes us human. It's what separates us from other animals. It's what makes us special.
Maybe we're all just looking to feel special, and in a world where there are too many people to notice every one, it's very easy to assume that what makes me special, is what makes everyone else special. Or even bluntly, my intellectual abilities make me more special than you.
That last paragraph was meant to be illustrative of a deeper drive to excel mentally, not how I actually feel.
It's amazing how much we can learn about ourselves and our culture by the sayings we use.
The use of the word "losing" assumes that what is gone, "the mind", was precious or positive and that it being gone is a bad thing.
Ok, yes, losing your mind is a bad thing. But why do we treasure it so much? Personally, I hold my intellectual capacity very dear to my heart. I like to think that it, in part, defines me. Philosophers often say that it is our minds, our awareness that makes us human. It's what separates us from other animals. It's what makes us special.
Maybe we're all just looking to feel special, and in a world where there are too many people to notice every one, it's very easy to assume that what makes me special, is what makes everyone else special. Or even bluntly, my intellectual abilities make me more special than you.
That last paragraph was meant to be illustrative of a deeper drive to excel mentally, not how I actually feel.
It's amazing how much we can learn about ourselves and our culture by the sayings we use.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Contagious Crying
I was watching Being Erica last night with my husband and it was the first episode of season 3. Erica gets sort of thrown into unfamiliar circumstances and everything is changing and she breaks down. She yells, she bawls and she tries to explain what she's feeling and why. It was a good solid 3 or 4 minutes of crying (which is pretty long in TV time).
Now, I never used to be the kind of person who got overly affected by the things I watched. But more and more I've become very empathic in my media watching. So when Erica started crying, I felt that twinge in my sinuses and that knot in my gut. I tried to hold out but I just couldn't do it. The scene was too long. The tears started coming.
This really bothered me. I don't want to be unfeeling, but I'd like to be in control of my bodily functions when watching a fictitious display of emotion. Crying is embarrassing, especially when you're watching a bad Canadian tv show that defies logic.
So I tried to make light of it and crack some lame joke about being female. I'm sure my husband was not alarmed; he's seen me cry many times. And every time I try to hide it or pretend it's not happening. Anyways, that got me thinking. Why do women cry in sympathy so easily? I mean, a really good tear-jerker will get anyone going, but women seem particularly prone to crying just because someone else is crying.
I Googled "contagious crying" and got a lot of hits about babies. Apparently they cry when others cry and it is notable enough to be dubbed a "phenomenon". Then I modified it to "contagious crying in women" and got even less helpful hits. Lots of forum-based opinions. On Yahoo answers, there was one particularly articulate answer that I liked,
Now, I never used to be the kind of person who got overly affected by the things I watched. But more and more I've become very empathic in my media watching. So when Erica started crying, I felt that twinge in my sinuses and that knot in my gut. I tried to hold out but I just couldn't do it. The scene was too long. The tears started coming.
This really bothered me. I don't want to be unfeeling, but I'd like to be in control of my bodily functions when watching a fictitious display of emotion. Crying is embarrassing, especially when you're watching a bad Canadian tv show that defies logic.
So I tried to make light of it and crack some lame joke about being female. I'm sure my husband was not alarmed; he's seen me cry many times. And every time I try to hide it or pretend it's not happening. Anyways, that got me thinking. Why do women cry in sympathy so easily? I mean, a really good tear-jerker will get anyone going, but women seem particularly prone to crying just because someone else is crying.
I Googled "contagious crying" and got a lot of hits about babies. Apparently they cry when others cry and it is notable enough to be dubbed a "phenomenon". Then I modified it to "contagious crying in women" and got even less helpful hits. Lots of forum-based opinions. On Yahoo answers, there was one particularly articulate answer that I liked,
its only if your really sensitive, or you just have a caring heartBecause of the complete lack of real, scientific pages in the first results, I'm going to stick with this one. I'm really sensitive, or just have a caring heart. So there we have it folks, the easier you cry in response to others crying, the better person you are. ;)
--grr
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Small Talk
I've never really been a fan of small talk. There was a time when I accepted that small talk was necessary and during that time I thought I was the queen of small talk. Isn't it lovely today? How have you been? I hope you're feeling better.
That's all well and good from time to time, but I've been living in Guelph for four years now and I don't really know anyone well enough to have deep, meaningful conversations with them. And those that I do know well enough, are not interested in having deep, meaningful conversations. I'm at my breaking point. My distaste for small talk is so extreme, it has caused me to avoid talking to people altogether.
The answer, you must be thinking, is just to initiate a deep, meaningful conversation (or DMC) as soon as possible in order to satiate my hunger for DMCs. However, this is easier said than done.
Case in point #1: My husband ran into an old childhood friend a while back. When asked how he'd been, the friend's response was, "Not good. I was molested as a kid and now I'm a gay schizophrenic." No joke. This actually happened and was literally the first thing out of his mouth beyond "Hi'. My husband hasn't seen him since.
I do not want to be that person. The one who awkwardly blurts out the craziest stuff that's ever happened to them without warning. BUT....I just may be that person.
I really have to restrain myself quite a bit from scaring people. For example, today on the bus I saw someone that lived down the hall from me in first year. We'd only talked once or twice during that year and since then have only managed to weakly smile at each other in passing. In the past year, there's been no recognition of each other's existence whatsoever. I tried to remedy this situation by adding him as a friend on Facebook with the message, "Take this as a sign that it's ok to say hi when we pass each other." It may have been worded better, but you get the idea. A little creepy but clear in intentions. We have seen each other many times since then. He accepted the request, but avoids eye contact even more than before. So, I see this guy and really wanted to be like, "Hey! How's it goin? Sorry, I didn't notice you at first....I just had a therapy session so, you know, I'm kind of in my own head right now. You know, I see you all the time but you never say hi. Why is that?"
I bit my tongue. And avoided eye contact like the plague.
But why can't we just say what we're thinking? Why do people take it so badly? What's wrong with walking up to an aquaintance and asking what their views on life are? Why can't I pick a person at random and ask them to tell me their life story?
So...I guess what I'm getting at is that I just want someone to come up to me and just tell me something meaningful for once. And it doesn't have to be meaningful to me to be meaningful. I want people I can hang out with and just say whatever's on my mind, and have them feel comfortable doing the same with me. I want to stop wasting time on small talk, and start spending time on BIG talk.
That's all well and good from time to time, but I've been living in Guelph for four years now and I don't really know anyone well enough to have deep, meaningful conversations with them. And those that I do know well enough, are not interested in having deep, meaningful conversations. I'm at my breaking point. My distaste for small talk is so extreme, it has caused me to avoid talking to people altogether.
The answer, you must be thinking, is just to initiate a deep, meaningful conversation (or DMC) as soon as possible in order to satiate my hunger for DMCs. However, this is easier said than done.
Case in point #1: My husband ran into an old childhood friend a while back. When asked how he'd been, the friend's response was, "Not good. I was molested as a kid and now I'm a gay schizophrenic." No joke. This actually happened and was literally the first thing out of his mouth beyond "Hi'. My husband hasn't seen him since.
I do not want to be that person. The one who awkwardly blurts out the craziest stuff that's ever happened to them without warning. BUT....I just may be that person.
I really have to restrain myself quite a bit from scaring people. For example, today on the bus I saw someone that lived down the hall from me in first year. We'd only talked once or twice during that year and since then have only managed to weakly smile at each other in passing. In the past year, there's been no recognition of each other's existence whatsoever. I tried to remedy this situation by adding him as a friend on Facebook with the message, "Take this as a sign that it's ok to say hi when we pass each other." It may have been worded better, but you get the idea. A little creepy but clear in intentions. We have seen each other many times since then. He accepted the request, but avoids eye contact even more than before. So, I see this guy and really wanted to be like, "Hey! How's it goin? Sorry, I didn't notice you at first....I just had a therapy session so, you know, I'm kind of in my own head right now. You know, I see you all the time but you never say hi. Why is that?"
I bit my tongue. And avoided eye contact like the plague.
But why can't we just say what we're thinking? Why do people take it so badly? What's wrong with walking up to an aquaintance and asking what their views on life are? Why can't I pick a person at random and ask them to tell me their life story?
So...I guess what I'm getting at is that I just want someone to come up to me and just tell me something meaningful for once. And it doesn't have to be meaningful to me to be meaningful. I want people I can hang out with and just say whatever's on my mind, and have them feel comfortable doing the same with me. I want to stop wasting time on small talk, and start spending time on BIG talk.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
How Does This Even Happen!?!
I really don't know how this happened. The entire apartment was spotless as of Saturday. Two full days has elapsed and now this is what we're left with.
I do apologize for the sidewaysiness. I would have had to save the picture to my laptop and then shift it around and THEN posted it. That seemed like too much work and too much time that I really should be devoting to real work. Like thesis.
Anyways. This always happens. I feel like I spend 80% of my life cleaning and this is what I'm left with. Also, there's another pile of clothes on the other side of the bed. And junk on the side table. And more junk spilling into the hallway. How can I prevent this monstrosity? How can I prevent cleaning from being the bane of my existence?
That is all.
EDIT: The seemingly nonsensical word "Pss" on the wall is not there because I feel it is in some way a meaningful word. In fact, it is not a word at all. Nor is it an acronym. In high school I got letters. Two for student's council (hence the "s"s) and the big P was supposed to symbolize an insane amount of time given to extracurricular activities in general. It may have represented something like 10,000 hours. Which coincidentally, I believe, is the amount of time generally acknowledged to be necessary for one to become "an expert" at something. I should have gotten a Drama D, but whoever was responsible for handing them out was a douche and didn't feel like doing it. Or maybe I neglected to pick it up. I don't remember, high school was a long time ago.
SECOND EDIT: The only reason those letters are on the wall is that I didn't know what else to do with them and our walls looked too plain.
EDIT: The seemingly nonsensical word "Pss" on the wall is not there because I feel it is in some way a meaningful word. In fact, it is not a word at all. Nor is it an acronym. In high school I got letters. Two for student's council (hence the "s"s) and the big P was supposed to symbolize an insane amount of time given to extracurricular activities in general. It may have represented something like 10,000 hours. Which coincidentally, I believe, is the amount of time generally acknowledged to be necessary for one to become "an expert" at something. I should have gotten a Drama D, but whoever was responsible for handing them out was a douche and didn't feel like doing it. Or maybe I neglected to pick it up. I don't remember, high school was a long time ago.
SECOND EDIT: The only reason those letters are on the wall is that I didn't know what else to do with them and our walls looked too plain.
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